Assimilation

The last few days have been interesting to say the least. As I anticipated, there is an interesting re-acclamation process happening with me. My body no longer expects to be on the move every day (although it is showing its anger by feeling sore), but my mind, on the other hand, still has no idea what is happening. I am constantly torn between a desire to continue to write about the trip and get to work on getting it published, and the my need to get a little bit of paid work so I can make rent. Then, there is an overwhelming desire to spend every moment I can with Mandy. The good news is that a client emailed me on Wednesday to say they had some more work for me. It seems the Dude is still looking after me even now that I am back amongst the non-nomadic.

Going back to my normal meetings has been a great treat. Tuesday we went to my home group, Wicked Sobah, and the welcome was unbelievable. People had missed me while I was gone, and that's a little hard for me to believe. I am, however, trying very hard to trust that what people say is the truth (otherwise I am left to a mind filled with worry and fear…yuck!). Several people said that they had been reading the blog regularly, and felt like they were with me along the way. I'm not sure if that was the effect I was going for, but then again, I'm not sure I know what effect I was going for, I just knew I had to write it. I can tell you this, though, it feels great to have people I know and respect be interested in what I've done, especially because I still feel like the goofy kid on the outside looking in sometimes. Thanks, everyone!

The really fantastic part about being home has definitely been being with Mandy every day. Waking up next to her is easily one of my favorite things in the world. We have been spending a lot of time together just laughing and enjoying each other, and on top of that we've been talking a bit about the wedding. I had no idea that I would be so excited about my wedding, and I feel blessed that Mandy is just as excited, if not more. It's going to be great!

When Mandy and I first got together I talked to her a lot about wanting to watch her paint, and it wasn't until this week that I finally had the chance. It's almost like I felt like an intruder if I watched before, but now it seems safe, and it was more wonderful than I could have imagined. For me there is something magical about watching someone else create something, and with Mandy it's even more special because I love her so much that watching her transports me somewhere else, and I feel a part of it. Here's a little taste of what I got to see:

And that ring looks right at home doesn't it?

There was also a moment where I was almost in tears because it reminded me of what a luck guy I am, and how much I miss my mom. Those of you who knew her will understand why seeing this made me lose it:

Being home still feels far from 100% right, but it's getting a little closer every day. I am starting to feel like I belong here again and my mind is beginning to settle a bit. And I have to say that it's really great to sleep in my own bed and really feel at home every night. The meetings along the way always felt a little bit like home, but there was still a sort of underlying feeling that I was not at home…because I wasn't. I always slept wherever I was, and I never felt tremendously homesick, but I learned that, for me, home is where my people are. I found some wonderful places and some truly beautiful people along the way, but now that I am home I know, more certainly than ever, that this is my place - that the people here are my family and that the cool, cloudy Seattle weather is where I am meant to be.

Body In One Place, Mind In Another

My first day home was more than strange. I woke up startled to be in my own house and more startled by the fact that I didn't need to repack the bike and move on to the next place. I had not really considered how it was going to feel to be home and do things like drink coffee from my favorite mug and sit on the porch and read the daily meditations with Mandy again. Then to be able to walk to the fridge and get a cup of yogurt to eat and not have to pay anyone for it or worry about what someone might think even if they did say, "Help yourself to anything in the fridge." There is a tremendous freedom in being home that I had taken for granted until I didn't have it for two months.

Shortly after waking up my mind was spinning. One minute I was drifting off thinking about all the experiences of the trip and how wonderful it had been, and the next minute I was in a panic about money and what I was going to do now that I was back. I had the distinct feeling that I should have been busy looking for work first thing in the morning, and that soon I would be totally broke and unable to make rent. I had done a pretty good job of quieting the voices while I was on the road, but now that I stationary again my mind took over that energy and ran off with it.

Then Mandy reminded me that I had just gotten back form a life-changing adventure and it was OK for me to feel that way, but I didn't have to fix it all right now. She also helped me remember that there are some things that I need to do related to the trip and those take priority. I needed to be fully here before I could be here. With that thought I got busy writing about the last couple of days so I could get the blog up to date. A lot had happened so it took me the better part of the day to get it all done. The result was that I felt accomplished and my mind was here instead on on the imagined impending disaster of the future. Thank you, Mandy, for reminding me (again) that action is the key! You're awesome!

In the afternoon Mandy and I went to visit Margie, my surrogate Seattle mom, and I am so glad we did. Margie has seen me through a lot of things over the years and always been a terrific support and I was ecstatic to hear her say that she and Mandy had had a wonderful time together while I was gone. "The more time I spend with her the more I like her," she said. It means the world to me to have her support in this next adventure. Thanks, Mom!

When we got home Mandy cooked my the most wonderful meal. Nothing fancy, just pasta and bread, but my taste buds and belly were happier than they've been in…well…two months. Another thing I had totally taken for granted - Mandy cooties in the food.

After dinner we went out to the Lynnwood Study Group together. It was again wonderful to look around the room and see familiar faces. We read out of the book for a bit, and that focused our discussion on making amends and the importance of making the right ones at the right times. It was another reminder to me that none of us are ever done with this work, and that my real spiritual growth began when I start clearing up the wreckage of the past and striving for a better future. Thanks, LSG!

When the meeting was over I had the chance to catch up with Orvin, Margie's ex-husband and my surrogate Seattle dad. We talked a lot about the trip and he was such a dedicated reader of the blog that at points I felt like he knew more about the trip than I did. It's wonderful to be home with the Seattle family again.

Homecoming!

We woke up Sunday morning excited to be with each other and I was a little antsy to finish the trip. We decided to stop by Mandy's family cabin to tell the news to her sister and it was wonderful to see some more faces I hadn't seen for a while.

We sat on the porch overlooking the lake and drank lemonade and ate lemon squares. (Don't worry Macie, your secret's safe with me.) After all the congratulations on the engagement and such it was time to ask me questions about the trip and that's when I discovered that I hadn't really given much thought to things like my favorite or least favorite of anything. Damn, I should have done that! I don't even know how many states I went through (it's 24 plus DC and one Canadian Province). I have a lot of work to do. I was also acutely aware for the first time that I was very close to being home and it felt strange.

We said our goodbyes and left the cabin to go get an ice cream cone. I was really happy to be having ice cream with Mandy again because it reminded me of our time in New York. What a treat!

After the ice cream we made our way over Stevens Pass and down the hill toward home. Everything was going smoothly until just before Gold Bar and the traffic was nearly stopped. It was a tossup whether it was the result of an accident or just the normal Sunday traffic on Highway 2 so we stopped in the shade on the side of the road and waited to see if it would clear up. It did, and then it got worse, so we decided to backtrack a bit and try a backroad I'd found on the map.

We went back several miles to the town of Index and meandered our way through the woods and into Gold Bar. I'm fairly certain that it didn't buy us any time at all, but we were moving the whole time and the woods were beautiful. I could tell that I was back in Waashington because of the moss covered cedars! I was extremely grateful to be with Mandy for this portion of the trip because she is not the type to get bent out of shape about a little delay like that, and if she, or I for that matter, was it would have made an already hot and uncomfortable afternoon absolutely miserable.

From Gold Bar I tried a few other back roads but didn't make much progress and decided to stay on US 2 and just slog through the rest of it. Other than a few times riding on the shoulder just to keep moving and not die of heat stroke things went along just fine and we made it back to town in time for a cheeseburger before the last meeting of the trip.

On the way to then meeting I was getting really excited about going to a meeting that I knew. I didn't have to look anything up, I didn't have to look at a map to get there, I didn't have to drive around for 20 minutes to find it, none of that, I just went. What a relief.

When we pulled up to the meeting I started seeing people that I knew and I couldn't get my gear off fast enough to start hugging people. The trip was wonderful, and there is no way that I would take it back, but I was now back in a place where I could look around and name 80% of the people in the room and I was peaceful.

It was also at this point that the insanity of my trip came into perspective in a new way. I had left home 60 days before and ridden 12,000 miles, half the circumference of the earth, to arrive at a meeting a little over 3 miles from my house. I'm completely crazy.

The discussion for the evening wavered between talking about what this program has done for us and how we arrive at the ability to forgive ourselves and others. It was a wonderful meeting and I was extraordinarily happy to be with people that I know and love. Thank you all for being there to welcome me home whether you knew you were or not. It means the world to me!

After the meeting we stayed with people and talked for a long time. We were both excited to share the news with some of our friends and I got the chance to catch up with people.

When we left the meeting I couldn't stop talking about how weird it felt to be driving on streets that I knew and going to our house. After all that time on the road it seemed very odd to know where I was going to stay and how to get there.

The house was pretty much how I'd left it except Mandy did a ton of work to make the yard beautiful and inviting and the inside was more like home than ever before. The cats punished me and hid under beds because I had abandoned them, and aside from forgetting which drawer had my underwear in it, and which cupboard had glasses in it, it was as if I'd never left. It's good to be home.

Oh yeah, Paddintgon and Pooh also got to have their most gourmet breakfast of the trip today. Each one got their favorite...

Reunion

I woke up this morning at damn near the crack of dawn and there was no hope of going back to sleep - I was too excited to see Mandy! Unfortunately, we had a plan, and I didn't want to stray from it so I had a few hours to kill before I could leave. I spent the morning catching up on some emails, writing and sending a postcard to Hector in Luray, VA, and eating breakfast slowly so I could depart Spokane around 10am to ride out and meet Mandy on US 2.

As I left Spokane I was so excited that I could hardly stand it. I was trying very hard to stay in the moment, but my mind kept racing 100 miles ahead to the time when I would pass Mandy and her parents and then pull over for her to come meet me. I was so distracted, in fact, that when I made my first stop at a gas station I forgot to put the kickstand down and wound up laying my bike over on its side. (No damage, except to my ego.) I was embarrassed, but it didn't really matter.

As I proceeded west I sent a message to Mandy at every stop and she would respond with their location, and with each message we were a little closer, and right on target to meet just east of Wenatchee, WA. It was perfect.

To be honest, I remember very little about the ride and what I saw except that there were lots of farms, then a valley where it got hot, then a big hill down toward the Columbia River. When I started down the hill I knew we had to be close, and I was right. As I rounded a corner I finally saw the car I had been looking for all day and Mandy was hanging out the window waving frantically. Finally! It had been a long ride.

I pulled off into the first turnout I saw and waited. And waited. I knew she had seen me and I looked up the hill and could see her parents car on the side of the road, but they weren't moving. I panicked and called Mandy - twice. When she answered they were on their way back down the hill. Turns out she'd needed a pee break so I had to wait. Sheesh.

They pulled up and got out of the car and Mandy and I mauled each other. Man, was it good to see her! Feeling her body in my arms was sort of unreal and we were both shaking with excitement. Then I stepped back, put my hands in my pockets and said, "I have two things for you. The first one is this." I pulled my right hand out of my pocket and handed her this:

"It's a Montana heart rock. I found it on the bank of the Missouri River."

She smiled and started rolling the rock around in her fingers nervously and I said, "This other thing has a bit of a story to it. On this trip I have learned a lot of things about the world and about myself. One of those things that I know for certain now is that us meeting at the twelve and twelve was not a mistake. And I would be honored if you would spend the rest of your life with me. So," I paused and pulled my hands from my pockets and dropped to one knee and opened the silver box in my left hand, "will you marry me?"

Mandy jumped back and then lurched forward to look in the box and said, "Absolutely!" Then she paused with her fingers inches away from this:

"Can I touch it?" she asked.

"Absolutely, it's yours."

She pulled the ring from the box and felt every bit of it and then Becky, my stepmom, (I'll explain in a minute) said, "Well try it on sweetheart."

She slid the ring onto her finger and it fit perfectly. I've never experienced a moment so perfect and true in my life. Mandy's smile and mine could have lit a room. I've never been so happy in my life as I was when she said, "This is the absolute best day of my life so far."

After she'd already said yes I walked over to ask her dad, Jerry, if it was OK with him and he just shook my hand and said, "Congratulations." Whew, I hadn't asked beforehand because I wanted it to be a surprise for all three of them, and it worked. Although they all had their suspicions.

So here's how this all worked. For most of the trip I've thought about marrying Mandy but didn't really have a plan. Then somewhere around Tennessee I decided that it would be soon after I got back and I started looking around for a ring but nothing I saw looked like Mandy at all. Then I remembered that my mom and I had talked once about her wedding set and that maybe it would be appropriate for me to use sometime. Well, this was the time, and with the blessing of my father and my sister, it was settled. Only problem was that we didn't know where they were. We knew they were in my mom's house somewhere, but we didn't know where. Alison was already planning a trip to Los Alamos and she said she would look while she was there and I decided that if she didn't have any luck I would just change course to go find them. Thankfully, Alison asked my mom for a little guidance about where to find them and then she found them in the first place she looked!

With the rings located I decided, somewhere in Montana, that it would be pretty great if I could ask Mandy right when I first saw her, I just had to get the rings to me. With friends in Spokane I thought that would work pretty well, and then I remembered that my dad is retired (some days) and my stepmom is on summer break so maybe they could get the rings and meet me in Spokane and be there when I ask. They agreed and the plan was set.

We met in Spokane on Friday and they would follow me west on US 2 until I saw Mandy and then all the parents could be there to see. Some people might say that's too much pressure to put on Mandy, but if you understand how right Mandy and I felt from the start, and that meeting each others families was a pleasure and not a curse then you know that it was the right thing to do.

The result was that somewhere on the side of Highway 2 her mom and my stepmom were both crying, and our fathers were smiling, and it was the happiest moment of my life. Thanks to both of our families for making this possible, not to mention making us so that we fit so well together!

Once she said yes it got awful hot, awful fast on the side of the highway in the desert and we all caravanned to Wenatchee for lunch. I'm not really sure what anyone talked about because I was busy looking at Mandy smile and stare at her ring. But everyone was happy and there was lots of laughter.

I found Mandy and I a place to stay for the night in Wenatchee so we could make the trip home together on Sunday. Once we got checked in and said our goodbyes to our families we set out for walk to a 5:30 meeting. When we got to the church there was no one there, and further investigation revealed that the Saturday 5:30 meeting was a birthday potluck meeting and only happens one Saturday a month, and this wasn't the one.

I looked for another meeting and there was only one and it was a fair distance from the hotel so we would have to get on the bike in the heat so we decided that hanging out with each other was sufficient. We had tried to get to a meeting, but what we really wanted was a quiet evening alone because we hadn't seen each other for a month.

We made our way back to the hotel, had nachos and ice cream (not mixed together because that's gross) and just enjoyed being back together again. It was the perfect end to the perfect day!

Part Malamute, Part Husky, and All Lovable (He Might Have Some Bear in Him, Too)

Last night it poured down rain, and I mean really poured - the kind of rain that drenches everything in thirty seconds or less. Luckily my tent held up quite well to it and I stayed dry. I did, however, have a hard time getting to sleep with the thousands of gigantic raindrops hitting the tent. It felt like I was inside a drum with a bunch of two year-olds pounding on it.

In any case, I slept some and when I got up and started coffee I had the privilege of meeting Benjamin:

Ben, by himself, was wonderful, but attached to him were Leo and Dee, two of the most delightful people on earth. After I had woken up a bit I got to talking with Leo about traveling. "We're from nowhere and everywhere," he said referring to he and his sister. I mentioned my discussion with Barbara about how we attract certain people, and Leo agreed. "Benjamin helps keep out the bad ones," he said. We agreed that our thoughts are very powerful things, and Leo commented that "Thoughts are prayers and prayers are thoughts." Man, how I love to meet people with like minds!

Dee came over and joined the conversation and I told them about the trip. Like most non-program people, they didn't really know how to respond and paused for a minute before saying anything, then they said that they had both given up drinking because it got to be a problem for them. Just like that?! I don't understand it one bit, but I guess that's what makes me belong where I do. I also gave them a little insight into how nice it feels to walk into a room with a bunch of strangers and feel at home. They said that they sometimes wished that they had that.

We also spent a bit of time discussing the need for something bigger than us for help. We never gave it a name, and never described it, but we agreed that it is necessary in order to live a happy and comfortable life. How can it be that I continue to meet myself in so many different bodies? Amazing!

When I was packed up and ready to go I got a hug from Dee and thanked her for being where they were so that we could meet. "You're a great spirit, and I wish you all the best, Nick," she said.

Then Leo sent me off with, "Love be with you on your journey. And may angels fly before you to clear your path, and behind you to keep you safe." I was touched at the time, and as I write this I am a little teary-eyed. Thank you, Ben, for bringing Dee and Leo to me this morning!

With Leo's blessing I made my way west and ended up on Montana 28, and that's when I realized that the Montana State Department of Transportation has strange ideas about what qualifies as a 'highway.' I've ridden through a lot of construction zones on this trip, and seen some sketchy roads, but Montana 28 currently has a twelve mile stretch that is part gravel pit, part mud bog, and part washboard dirt. Who thought that was a good idea? It was mostly safe, but not any fun at all to ride on. The good news is that it came 11,000 miles into the trip and at this point I could ride that bike through just about anything, provided I don't mind beating the crap out of it. Dirt highway…pfft.

After 28 I was thrilled to meet up with Montana 200 through the Clark Fork River valley. The road felt smooth as glass in comparison, and the scenery was breathtaking:

After the Clark Fork the rest of the ride seemed boring. And on top of that I was beginning to get distracted by the fact that I would be seeing Mandy in less than 24 hours. You see, her parents are going to drive her out US 2 to meet me so she can ride home with me! The thought of it excites me so much that I can hardly contain myself. I can't wait to see her!

I got to Spokane around six and checked into a hotel so that I could clean up for Mandy. (The $1.00 for 3 minute camp showers weren't gonna cut it.) After  dinner I went to the First Thing's First Group. It was the second candlelight meeting of the trip and we discussed our solutions for loneliness. We all related instances where we had felt entirely alone in a room full of people, and concluded that meetings are definitely one of the keys for loneliness. Thanks, FTF Group!

Once I got back in the hotel the excitement around tomorrow really started to set in and I am wondering if I will even be able to sleep. Who cares? I get to see my girl tomorrow!

The Power of Attraction

This morning I had a wonderful surprise while having my morning coffee in front of the hotel - her name was Barbara. She and her husband, Billy, had travelled from their home on the Oregon Coast out to Sturgis because "I made my husband go because it's an interesting little slice of Americana," Barbara said.

I explained that the idea of it was a little too much for me, so I had stayed north and avoided Sturgis. She said it was interesting to see, but it was really crowded.

We got to talking a little bit about bikes, and I told her about the trip I was taking, and some good roads we'd been on, the usual biker talk. Then, somehow, we got to talking about all kinds of wonderful things. From Helena they were headed to Lummi Island in Washington to see one of their sons get married, and that brought up the pleasure and joy to be found in a close family. Out of that we got into the cultural differences across the country and for a moment pondered the possibility that the rigidity of the Midwestern character is due to it's straight and flat roads. It could be, you never know…

It was a true delight to spend my morning with Barbara, and later Billy. Thanks for being there, guys, and I'm sorry that we didn't get to ride together today, but some other time we will.

After the best free breakfast of any hotel I have ever stayed in I got to have another wonderful little encounter while packing my bike. Two women, who's names I never asked, were helping one of their daughters move to Helena. These two women were incredibly interested in the trip, and we got to talking about a trip to Alaska. (Don't worry Mandy, it's not planned.) They told me that if I was going to go I should take a ferry or a cruise because the Al-Can is all just trees and nothing else. "If you've seen ten miles of it, you've seen all of it." Thanks for the tip, Ladies!

After her mom and aunt left I chatted with the daughter, Dana, for a minute. Dana is a new teacher just out of school and Dude bless her for it. Although I've talked about it a lot I'm not sure I could ever do it. She even asked me if I was a teacher, too, and when I told her that I was a writer she said, "Yeah, you look like a writer." In my mind I was thinking, 'At least I look the part…' Thank you, Dana, for giving me an added boost!

It was a wonderful morning for people, and I was really glad I had ended up in the hotel I did.

I left Helena on County Road 297 and was ecstatic to be back in the mountains. The road was fun, and this part of Montana is beautiful:

Unfortunately, as a result of warm winters, there are bark beetles that lay dormant in the trees and then eat them in the summer. The result is that there are vast amounts of trees that are dying or dead throughout the forest.

I have to believe that there is some kind of a reason for this, but it makes me really sad to look at it.

The rest of the ride to Bigfork was in and out of little rainstorms and a little uncomfortable, but I pressed on and pulled into Wayfarers State Park just in time to get the last available campsite and set up my tent before heading to a meeting.

The meeting was another book study, and also and inadvertent men's meeting. It was great to spend the evening chatting with those guys about making amends and how they still come up after many years. I was reminded again that none of us are really all that different, and that none of us ever graduate from this thing. Thanks, Bigfork!

When I was leaving the meeting it was raining again, and I didn't want to get wet before getting into my tent for the night so I went and found a little cafe in town for a cup of coffee. I had another one of those moments where I was certain that things had worked the way they did for a reason. The place was cozy and wonderful, and when I asked for something dessert-like the woman told me that she could bake me a scone if I liked. Well, duh, of course I would love a fresh baked scone!

As I waited I was thinking about the day and just as I was thinking about Barbara and Billy they called. I was really glad that they did, because I wanted to thank them for being in Helena this morning and starting my day the way they did. They had made it a fair amount farther than I had, and we talked about the day a bit, and then Barbara and I talked for some time about how the people we meet and the experiences we have are a result of what we attract and what we think about. It was great to hear something like that coming from a non-program person, and it really touched me. Thanks again, Barbara and Billy, for being who you guys are!

When I got off the phone I had a nice time chatting with the cafe owners, and I even got to sample their french onion soup, and I have to say that it was pretty darn awesome. I ended up staying at the cafe until they were ready to go home, and when I asked what I owed them they said that it was on the house, that the conversation was payment enough. What an incredible day, and a wonderful reinforcement of my faith in people!

Doing The Next Thing

This morning after hanging out with Geoff for a bit to catch up I went to find breakfast downtown and ran into Bob, a guy I'd met at the 5:30 meeting the day before. We chatted for a bit and he mentioned that he would be at the noon meeting. I told him that I had some errands to run, but if I am still in town I will go.

The next thing on the list was the last oil change of the trip. I probably could push it to the end, but I decided that I would feel better if I just got it done. I ended up at the Bike Shack just outside of town and was pleased to be able to get it done within an hour. The guys at the shop were great, and I had a really nice time talking with them while I waited. Thanks, Nate!

When I got done at the shop it was a quarter to noon and I took that to mean that I was supposed to go over to the noon meeting, so I did.

The discussion was about how we all deal with people not getting it, and how much we help. It was a good reminder to me that we all have to do what we have to do to get here, and that no amount of extra help can help someone who's not ready. Thanks, Bozeman!

On top of a great meeting I also got to catch up a little bit with Scott, a guy who was instrumental in keeping me around while I was in Bozeman. We lost touch over the years, and I think about him often. It turns out that he is a successful businessman, and happy family man - all as a result of this program! Thanks for coming to a meeting that you usually don't, Scott, and it is great to see that things are going well!

By the time the meeting was over I had settled on the idea of just getting to Helena and calling it a day to have a relaxing evening. So off I went north, but not without seeing Bob not one, but two more times before getting out of town. I think he was following me...

I stopped along the way at a little gas station call Mountain Supply in Townsend. The world really needs more places like this! As I walked through the store I found that not only could I get gas, but also new boots, horse feed, fishing tackle, a hammer and nails, a pack of smokes, ammunition, AND a bottled Frappuccino! Amazing! And I could also catch up with the local news through the people coming through. I overheard what people were harvesting, the problems with Billy's horse, and about a new baby somewhere in town. It's really too bad that most of the country has done away with the General Store. (P.S. Walmart doesn't count!)

I made the last little stretch of the ride to Helena with my rain gear on because it was thunderstorm time again. Luckily, I made it through dry once again!

I got into Helena and got a room for the night and settled in for a realizing evening to recuperate for the final push to get home! And get to Mandy!!